Seetee's Blog

Mulan was stuck in the closet

So, I may have shared this with some of you through conversations months or years ago, but I thought that I would revisit it tonight. The reason for this revisit is that after having some insightful conversation with Mana, Viv, Stephanie and Emily today around our struggles at work and navigating work environments that are often oppressive and suppressive, I felt like I needed to ask myself what I am passionate about in my life to figure out what I can get really fired up about. One of these issues is around shame in the Asian community, especially first generation parents, when it comes to LGBTQI  (Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Trangender/Transexual, Queer, Intersex) issues. I know people who have families that have thrown them out of the house and vowed to never speak to them again, people who have parents who continuously attempt to deny the truth and try to set them up on dates with those of the opposite sex, and people whose families know and acknowledge their sexuality, but refuse to speak or have conversations about it. 

I am very thankful for my parents, because I am lucky enough to 1) be out to them  and 2) have them still love me for who I am. This is not to say that there weren’t bumps along the way, but I know that it takes a lot of understanding and a lot of love to be able to hear me out on this topic which is quite taboo in traditional Taiwanese/Chinese and many Asian cultures. Better yet, they have ben able to be open minded enough to have conversations with me about it and actually ask questions instead of just ignoring the topic all together. If only I could tell THEIR parents how proud I am of them. 

So with this all being said, a hope of mine is to start a group for first generation Mandarin speaking parents of LGBTQI children (I do understand that LGB issues are very different from T and I issues) so that they can have others to talk to and converse with, because one of my beliefs is that stigma is rooted in invisibility. Even if there are 20 families with children who are gay and lesbian in your neighborhood, but no one wants to talk about it with one another, you ultimately feel like you’re the only one, and that your child is abnormal or an exception to society’s heteronormativity, which will ultimately affect your child. It would also be great to have a fishbowl session, where parents sit on the outside and listen to their children speak with each other about issues that they face with their sexuality and how their parents can support them better and how parental reactions affect their attitudes about themselves. 

I could write forever about this topic, but let me get to Mulan. So we all know that Mulan disguised herself as man to serve in the army for her father who is growing old and sick. The song “Reflection” sung by Christina Aguilera for the soundtrack is most likely about how Mulan can’t give up her identity as a woman and thus must “hide herself” while she is in combat/training.

When I listened to this song with some friends of mine on a snowboard trip, we decided that based on the song, Mulan could very well be a closeted lesbian singing about her struggles with her true identity. Lyrics are below (with me trying to fill in the blanks to her song and picking out what she is trying to infer), and video as well. 

“Reflection” – Christina Aguilera

Look at me,
You may think you see
Who I really am,
But you’ll never know me. 

(“Because I’m a closeted lesbian”)

Everyday, 
it’s as if I play
A part.

(“To fit into this heteronormative society”)

Now I see,
If I wear a mask,
I can fool the world,
but I cannot fool my heart.

 (“If I wear make-up and dress femme, you would never be able to tell that I’m gay, but I’ve known since I was 3.”)

Chorus:

Who is that girl I see?
Staring straight,
Back at me.
When will my reflection show
Who I am inside?

(“I cannot be ok with myself until I admit who I truly am”)

I am now,
In a world
Where I have to hide in my heart,
and what I believe in.

(“Because there are ignorant bastards out there who

commit hate crimes against homosexuals” )

But somehow,
I will show the world what’s inside my heart,
And be loved for who I am.

(“Someday I will come out to the people that I know,

and they will love me for who I am, and not how I identify”

Who is that girl I see,
staring straight
back at me?
Why is my reflection someone I don’t know?

(“Because I haven’t been honest with myself about who I am”)

Must I pretend that I’m
someone else
for all time.
When will my reflection show,
who I am inside?

(“When will I be able to come out to the people that I love

and not have to suffer the repercussions of being gay”)

There’s a heart that must be free
to fly
That burns with a need to know
the reason why

Why must we all conceal
What we think
How we feel?

(“Because queer folk are in the minority and the majority is deemed normal.

People have al been miseducated about queerness in society”)

Must there be
a secret me
I’m forced to hide
I won’t pretend that I’m
someone else
for all time.

(“No, if you came out of the closet, you could become a role model

for all the animated chinese characters who are queer or questioning.”)

When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

When will my reflection show
who I am inside?

oh, ooh yeah